Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I just finish reading Mama by Terry McMillion. I have never identified with a character in a book as much as I identified with Freda, minus the coke habit and being an alcoholic. That feeling of you don't want to end up like your mama is so real to me. I love my mother, she is my hero but she never wanted her life to be mine. Its not funny how much of my own mother is in Mildred. Her advice has always been there. And like Freda I took the advice of my mama.
After reading the book so many questions are on my mind, like"why do black women push their daughters so hard?" Just like Freda, failure was not an option for me. Becoming a black women with a strong mind, a good work ethic, who becomes more than a factory worker was what I heard growing up. "Go to school Dayna, finish school Dayna." Yes it makes you strong, but at what cost? I now work 10 hours a day, why? To say, "I don't need a man to do shit for me." To say, "My hair cost more than some peoples rent." Because I don't need a man and i do have expensive hair. Just like Mildred, my mother taught me to never rely on a man. Her motto "rely on yourself and you will never have a hungry day. Rely on a man and count your meals."
Just like Freda I took my mothers advice. I'm doing very well for myself however I to woke up on my 30th birthday missing something. I can't put my finger on it, but i know I'm missing something. Then I look at the women who do rely on a man, who's to say their life is not fulfilled because they don't have expensive things around them? Who says that girl who has never left her small town is missing something. Just like Freda I'm starting to question my mothers advice.
Was she wrong? In her eyes I'm fine but to myself I feel like I'm the one that's losing. She is proud of me, but am I proud of myself? Just like Mildred, when Freda does anything she brags. My mother is the same way. She has turned me into this uppity woman. Maybe Prince Charming comes in many forms. His castle may be a tiny apartment & his white horse may be a hoopty. Do i need to look beneath the surface. Maybe all the forest animals are his many kids. Why do I think I'm too good for him? Cause my mama said so.
Then i hear her telling me "life & the relationships you form with people are a lot better when u don't seek the approval of others." But that's a damn lie, I seek her approval on things and her opinion matters. Why, cause she is my mama. (Sigh) the only mama I will ever have.